Monday, April 9, 2012

A SURVIVOR WRITES

(** I received these two powerful letters from the same person -- I think you will appreciate the writer's perspective. **)

Part I

I just wanted to write to say thank you. I just received your book Why Does He Do That? the other day and I can't put it down. It's like someone has had a camera in my house for 12 years. For the first time I feel like I'm not going crazy! My ex was a Water Torturer mixed with Mr. Sensitive & Mr. Right. Since splitting up he's become The Victim to everyone else.

Things were bad enough when we were married but the torture and abuse he's put me through for the last 18 months since splitting up have been 1000 times worse: Trying to take my daughter; telling social services that I abuse and neglect her; he's taken all my friends & family (spent Christmas with my family at their house while my daughter and I were alone for the holidays with no cards, calls or anything); lied to my work colleagues, my daughter's school, my neighbours, police, the courts, and my daughter; he's totally alienated me, had me arrested, destroyed my business and all but destroyed my life; everyone thinks that I'm crazy and that I'm the violent, abusive, lying bully; he's put (and still putting) my daughter and me through hell, and I've never understood how all these people can fall for his charm, even when presented with absolute proof (I even took a polygraph test!) and how they can think so little of me and not see who he really is. But for the first time in over a decade things make sense! Someone understands and knows! I'm going to send copies of your books to our mothers, the school head teacher, social services, the court appointed guardian for my daughter, the judge...

My daughter remembers what he was like & sees right through him, she hates him & wishes him dead, but since she's only 5 the judge is of the opinion that she has no right to a voice in this. The stress of court-ordered forced contact has given her chest pains, palpitations, nightmares, made her confidence & behaviour plummet, she's wet herself, she calls him mean & a liar, she's been referred for counseling, but she won't be 5 forever, she just has to bide her time & I just have to keep fighting in the mean time & trying to help her through it.

Part 2

I'm a few weeks on now since finishing your book and the power has stayed with me. I feel so much more positive & in control, my depression has all but disappeared, it all makes sense at last. I'm continuing to fight and since reading your book I have been researching DV & contact after divorce etc. and am using this research in the various court battles. The headmistress at my daughter's school read your book on my request, as have some friends of mine, and she has since started supporting me and has said she's realized my ex has been lying to us both, causing the friction between us, and has requested that from now on before either of us react to anything we will check it with each other to prevent further manipulation by my ex. She's realized he's been playing her like a fiddle. I've also started a law degree, something I could never have done whilst under his control, and intend to use my experiences and research to help other women in the future once I'm qualified. You've shown me where my backbone is & reminded me who I am.

Again, thank you from me, and from my daughter who has a much stronger more confident mother now.

8 comments:

  1. Yes, Lundy, I too have found your book to be a liberating life ring and at the same time an anchor to keep me steady while charting the course away from abuse. My relationship has been a twelve year one also, and I echo the relief of discovering that someone actually understood the pain and confusion myself and my children were experiencing, all the while feeling like we were alone. I am in the process of leaving my husband for the last time, and just want to add that now that be realizes my new resolve and commitment to divorce, he has ramped up his hateful spirit. I am seeing that things have to sometimes become worse before they can get better.

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  2. I too found myself in the book Why Does He Do That? It was like someone had taken a good look at my marriage and written about it! No one in real life believes me, they all believe him so I'm stuck unless I do something drastic which I don't think I can.

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  3. 14 years - 5 years post divorce, and I'm still trying to get my kids back! This book puts it all together for women like me. I'm looking at a motion to appeal to Supreme court in Alaska - scared outta my wits about it! But it's the only recourse I have, and I have to do it alone - no money for lawyer. Pray for me and my kids. Thank you, Dr. Bancroft.

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  4. I am in the UK and found my life in the pages of your book. I left my abuser and took my 3 children with me. He did all the usual, stalking, harassment, applying for custody, cut me off financially, burgled my home, took away my transport (he made sure everything was in his name even if I purchased it), he hacked my credit cards and monitored my credit by pretending to be me. Hacked my Cell phone and texted people pretending to be me. He convinced friends that I was a mad bitch and even convinced (and paid) one to testify against me in our financial hearing. Everyone who 'got it' said he would pay when it came to court. Alas, he used all his 'skills' and fooled the Judge whilst I wept like a fool just having to be in the same room as him and endure his sneers and mocking laughs during my testimony. I went through 15 years of hell before I got out and then endured 2 years of torture before the hearing only to get nothing but a big fat legal bill. Another victory for the abuser, he is untouchable. We have a police panic alarm in our house but my three children and I are 'sitting ducks' waiting for when he decides to come. I have lost all hope of ever being free.

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    Replies
    1. I feel the same way. The abuse began in 2003. Even though we are divorced he ruined my credit, illegally took the house ( he is a lawyer) and stalks me on line and even if I go some place. He has a posse of people for surveillance. I was left with PTSD, chronic dizziness and ruined clothing, furniture, etc. My only hope after Due Process violations is the FBI. The kudges are in bed with the lawyers. So the abuser who violates court orders....gets away with it.They make you look nuts when it is in their best interest. When it's not, you are suddenly articulate, write well, etc. They can't have it both eays.

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  5. My daughter and myself are stalked too. It is pitiful, the way these 'men' behave. Thank you Lundy for the book and love to all of you who are going through this as well. Find good people in your lives and never give up on yourselves. Keep your integrity and know we are the good guys. I cannot imagine being the way they are and living with myself.

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  6. Dear Lundy

    I cannot thank you enough for writing the book" why does he do that". I wish i had come acrosss the book 2 years ago when i wanted answers for so many things going on in my life. I so desparately wanted to know why was i being told i was sensitivr, aggresive and defensive, why was I woken up at 3 am to have sex, why was I stalked, restrained in the car after being yelled for questioning his judgement about the correct time of closing of restaurant, why his moods changed suddenly, why was my mobile watched upon every time there was a message alert, why was my weight comstantly ridiculed, why at a drop of hat his moods changed, why was i asked to get out of his car for arguing for my rights, why was i told that I was the one who was controlling, why after every argument i felt crazy and as if nothing had really come out of the argument, why it felt so confusing after every argument, why holidays and friday nights changed into ugly fights without any warnings, why i was yelled at and threatened that inwould be left alone if i did not give in..etc etc... Why he forced me have sex after an ugly argument when I felt just the opposite.
    It felt that you were right there watching all this and you took this incidents from my life and just put them in your book excatly as they had happened.
    I widh you conducted your retreats for survivors in australia as well as i so desparately feel the need to talk to you and to gain the knowledge from you as to how to move ahead after ending the relationship.. I am unable to travel to usa at the moment. I have nevertheless felt that you are right here stanfing next to me and fighting for me and with me as I struggle to start a life ahead. I feel that I have made a deep connection with you like i have never before with anyone in my life. I so feel that you wrote the book just for me anf the story in it is MY STORY. i can feel that you are right here guiding me towards epowerement every day tirelessly.. You hold my hand when i slip , when i doubt myself, when i feel like giving up,when i feel like I was wrong - u give me that gentle pat on my shoulders and show me the way towards EMPOWERMENT and final freedom.. day and night you are there ..my father figure, my torch bearer, my LEADER. i would not know what I do without your presence.
    I would like you thank you form the bottom of heart for the wonderful work you do and express my deepest gratitude to you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Lundy

    I cannot thank you enough for writing the book" why does he do that". I wish i had come acrosss the book 2 years ago when i wanted answers for so many things going on in my life. I so desparately wanted to know why was i being told i was sensitivr, aggresive and defensive, why was I woken up at 3 am to have sex, why was I stalked, restrained in the car after being yelled for questioning his judgement about the correct time of closing of restaurant, why his moods changed suddenly, why was my mobile watched upon every time there was a message alert, why was my weight comstantly ridiculed, why at a drop of hat his moods changed, why was i asked to get out of his car for arguing for my rights, why was i told that I was the one who was controlling, why after every argument i felt crazy and as if nothing had really come out of the argument, why it felt so confusing after every argument, why holidays and friday nights changed into ugly fights without any warnings, why i was yelled at and threatened that inwould be left alone if i did not give in..etc etc... Why he forced me have sex after an ugly argument when I felt just the opposite.
    It felt that you were right there watching all this and you took this incidents from my life and just put them in your book excatly as they had happened.
    I widh you conducted your retreats for survivors in australia as well as i so desparately feel the need to talk to you and to gain the knowledge from you as to how to move ahead after ending the relationship.. I am unable to travel to usa at the moment. I have nevertheless felt that you are right here stanfing next to me and fighting for me and with me as I struggle to start a life ahead. I feel that I have made a deep connection with you like i have never before with anyone in my life. I so feel that you wrote the book just for me anf the story in it is MY STORY. i can feel that you are right here guiding me towards epowerement every day tirelessly.. You hold my hand when i slip , when i doubt myself, when i feel like giving up,when i feel like I was wrong - u give me that gentle pat on my shoulders and show me the way towards EMPOWERMENT and final freedom.. day and night you are there ..my farther figure, my torch bearer, my LEADER. i would not know what I do without your presence.
    I would like to thnak you from the bottom of my heart for such a wonderful work you do and express my deepest gratitude to you.

    ReplyDelete