Monday, April 9, 2012

A SURVIVOR WRITES

(** I received these two powerful letters from the same person -- I think you will appreciate the writer's perspective. **)

Part I

I just wanted to write to say thank you. I just received your book Why Does He Do That? the other day and I can't put it down. It's like someone has had a camera in my house for 12 years. For the first time I feel like I'm not going crazy! My ex was a Water Torturer mixed with Mr. Sensitive & Mr. Right. Since splitting up he's become The Victim to everyone else.

Things were bad enough when we were married but the torture and abuse he's put me through for the last 18 months since splitting up have been 1000 times worse: Trying to take my daughter; telling social services that I abuse and neglect her; he's taken all my friends & family (spent Christmas with my family at their house while my daughter and I were alone for the holidays with no cards, calls or anything); lied to my work colleagues, my daughter's school, my neighbours, police, the courts, and my daughter; he's totally alienated me, had me arrested, destroyed my business and all but destroyed my life; everyone thinks that I'm crazy and that I'm the violent, abusive, lying bully; he's put (and still putting) my daughter and me through hell, and I've never understood how all these people can fall for his charm, even when presented with absolute proof (I even took a polygraph test!) and how they can think so little of me and not see who he really is. But for the first time in over a decade things make sense! Someone understands and knows! I'm going to send copies of your books to our mothers, the school head teacher, social services, the court appointed guardian for my daughter, the judge...

My daughter remembers what he was like & sees right through him, she hates him & wishes him dead, but since she's only 5 the judge is of the opinion that she has no right to a voice in this. The stress of court-ordered forced contact has given her chest pains, palpitations, nightmares, made her confidence & behaviour plummet, she's wet herself, she calls him mean & a liar, she's been referred for counseling, but she won't be 5 forever, she just has to bide her time & I just have to keep fighting in the mean time & trying to help her through it.

Part 2

I'm a few weeks on now since finishing your book and the power has stayed with me. I feel so much more positive & in control, my depression has all but disappeared, it all makes sense at last. I'm continuing to fight and since reading your book I have been researching DV & contact after divorce etc. and am using this research in the various court battles. The headmistress at my daughter's school read your book on my request, as have some friends of mine, and she has since started supporting me and has said she's realized my ex has been lying to us both, causing the friction between us, and has requested that from now on before either of us react to anything we will check it with each other to prevent further manipulation by my ex. She's realized he's been playing her like a fiddle. I've also started a law degree, something I could never have done whilst under his control, and intend to use my experiences and research to help other women in the future once I'm qualified. You've shown me where my backbone is & reminded me who I am.

Again, thank you from me, and from my daughter who has a much stronger more confident mother now.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE

Some of the hardest put-downs to deal with are the ones that seem to have aspects of truth to them. Maybe he’s snarling at you that you can’t handle money, and the truth is that your finances really are in a mess. Maybe he’s calling you fat, and in reality you have indeed put on some pounds. Maybe he’s saying that everyone thinks you’re a psycho, and the truth is that some important friends actually have turned against you.

Does this mean that he’s trying to help you to face some things that you need to face? Does this mean you are wrong to feel bad about the ways you are being verbally torn apart?

No.

The truth is that even when he seems to be right, he’s still wrong. And he's definitely not trying to help, though he may tell you he is. Here are reasons not to take his statements to heart:

1) Because he’s exaggerating your difficulties in order to hurt you, even if there are partial truths in his words.

2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault, and that it shows what a weak person you are underneath. And that’s completely false.

3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse.

4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.

A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you.

To put it concisely: It is impossible for a man to see a woman clearly while he is controlling her, abusing her, or cheating on her
.

A meditation for today: “I will listen carefully to my own inner voices, and to people who love me and treat me well. His harangues need to go in one ear and out the other.”

Monday, April 2, 2012

ABOUT THREE WEEKS IN JAIL LEFT FOR WENDI G.

I have not had the opportunity to communicate with Wendi G. directly, but my understanding is that she will be released from jail in about three weeks.

I realize that people are needing very badly to know more about what has taken place. I have been in a bit of a bind as a writer, because I have received a message from at least one person close to the case that it would be a mistake to write more about it right now, while a couple of other people are saying I should go ahead. I've decided I am going to write something soon and hope that I'm making the right choice.

I do know from people that have written to me that Wendi is in good health and in remarkably good spirits considering what she is enduring.

One thing I can say right away is that contributions are desperately needed for Wendi's legal fund. Here is information on how to contribute:

If paying by check:
Make it payable to Wendi Goulet, and write on the memo line "Legal Assistance Fund Acct. ending #995", and mail it to:
United Federal Credit Union
Holland North Branch
12540 Riley Street
Holland, Mi 49424

To make an online deposit:
call 1-888-982-1400 ask for Holland North Branch, and provide the information above.

More soon.