When a man
has some unhealthy relationship patterns to begin with, the last thing he needs
is to discover philosophies that actually back up the destructive aspects of
how he thinks. Take a guy who is somewhat selfish and disrespectful to begin
with, then add in a big dose of really negative influences, and you have a
recipe for disaster. And the sad reality is that there are websites, books, and
even organizations out there that encourage men to be at their worst rather
than at their best when it comes to relating to women.
Some of
these groups come under the heading of what is known as “Men’s Rights” or
“Father’s Rights” groups. Their writings spread the message that women are
trying to control or humiliate men, or are mostly focused on taking men’s
money. They also tend to promote the idea that women who want to keep primary
custody of their children after divorce are evil. The irony is that we live in
a country that has refused to pass an amendment to the constitution to
guarantee equal rights for women; yet some men are still out there claiming
that women have too many rights and
that men don’t have enough.
Other
groups don’t use the language of “rights”, but promote abusive thinking by
talking about the “natural” roles of men and women. These groups teach, for
example, that men are biologically programmed to be the ones making the key
decisions, and that women are just naturally the followers of men’s leadership.
These philosophies sometimes teach that men and women are just too different to
have really close relationships.
Human
personalities and preference are obviously not determined by biology. There are
women who love to watch football and men who would much rather be dancing. There
are women who hold in all their feelings and men who burst into tears freely.
No one has the right to tell anyone what they “naturally” are or must be; one
of the greatest joys of human life is having the freedom to decide for
ourselves what our identities and styles will be.
If you see
your partner coming under the influence of a philosophy that is harming your
relationship, take some steps to research it. Look underneath the surface of
what he is telling you about his new belief system. If he starts to attend
workshops or read books that seem to be worsening rather than improving how he
treats you, try to use the Internet to make contact with other women who have
been hurt by these philosophies. The clearer you can be about what he is
getting into, the more you’ll be prepared to defend yourself.