tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72407052439089507962024-03-12T21:51:20.363-07:00Healing and HopeWORDS FOR VICTIMS AND SURVIVORS
OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,
ABUSE, AND TRAUMALundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-33289245856333294012018-05-11T06:57:00.003-07:002018-05-11T06:57:46.680-07:00ERIC SCHNEIDERMAN IS NOT A SURPRISE -- HE'S A CLASSIC<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> The media and the public are acting so shocked about Eric Schneiderman. How could a man with such a great public image, and a women's rights advocate even, turn out to be a vicious batterer?</o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I wish people weren't so surprised. Those of us who work in the domestic violence field have been trying for decades to get people to stop being fooled by how abusers come off in public.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here are some key points I'd like to bring to people's attention (actually I'd like to scream them) about this case:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of Eric Schneiderman's
victims, Tanya Selvaratnam, describes him as a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde" personality. This <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">public vs.
private split</b> in the conduct of men who batter women is the norm, not the
exception, and it's time for people to stop acting surprised about this. Those
of us who work and do research in the domestic violence field have been talking
and writing about this split for over thirty years. Most abusers cultivate a
positive public image, leading repeatedly to cases where observers say,
"Oh, I doubt it, he doesn't seem like the type at all." Putting on a
good public face <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> the type.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
* How does Schneiderman live with the hypocrisy of casting
himself as a women's rights crusader, making such rousing statements as, 'If a
woman cannot control her body, she is not truly equal"?The answer lies in
some key aspects of how abusive men think, including:</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>--<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seeing himself as special and above it all,
so his own behavior doesn't count.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>--<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling that women owe him gratitude,
service, and obedience in return for anything positive he has ever done for
them </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>--<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Convincing himself that, in his case, women
love being abused, even though he professes outrages when other men do it.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Again, what
is most stunning about these attitudes is how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ordinary</i> they are; Schneiderman is joined in these ways of thinking
by almost all men who are violent or sexually exploitative towards women.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alcohol is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not</b> the cause of Schneiderman's violence
and abusiveness. His former partners are describing how he would assault them
for saying no to sex; how he would belittle them intellectually; how he would
pressure them to change their bodies to make themselves more pleasing to him;
how he would threaten to kill them if they tried to leave him. These are not
drunken eruptions; they are deeply ingrained abusive behavior patterns that he
was using day in and day out. Alcohol can't make a man suddenly start to view
his partner as an owned object whose entire life should be subjugated to his --
which is how Schneiderman operated.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Alcohol is
a frequent excuse among men who batter, and that's exactly what it is: an excuse.
There are plenty of alcoholics who don't assault women.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Schneiderman just
drips with <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">entitlement<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i></b>and that is well-established as
one of the core characteristics of men who abuse women. Abusers think that
they're justified in treating women the way they do, and they invariably blame
their victims. That's why they're so shocked when they end up facing actual
consequences, whether from the legal system, or from their employers, or from
public opinion. When abusers do get held accountable, they always insist that
we aren't being fair to them. Schneiderman's outrage is probably genuine -- but
that's because he feels so disturbingly justified in what he has done.</div>
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<br /></div>
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*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite how
overwhelming the evidence against Schneiderman already is -- and plenty more is
bound to come out -- he still believes he can manage it through <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">denial</b>. Abusers think that if they say
the problem doesn't exist, then it doesn't exist. The media and the public tend
to put too much weight on such denials; abusers are comfortable and skilled at
telling lies about anything related to their history of assaulting, sexually
abusing, or psychologically attacking their partners. And the thing is, it
usually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">works</i>; if they just sound
sincere, they can tell the most outrageous falsehoods and succeed in getting
people to discredit the victims.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A fake
denial and an honest denial usually sound exactly the same. We have to assess
the evidence -- including the huge weight of multiple credible victim reports
in this case -- and not think we can tell by judging the sincerity of the
denials coming from the accused.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
* <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In high-profile abuse
and sexual assault cases, it generally turns out that other people in important
positions have been <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">covering for the
offender</b> for a long time. There are already signs of this tricking out in
the Schneiderman case. As a society we need to impose consequences on the influential
people who covered for the offender, not just on the man himself. Otherwise
we're not going to succeed in stopping violence and violations towards women.</div>
<br />Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-67696748113536711582015-03-13T10:07:00.000-07:002015-03-13T10:07:23.351-07:00LACK OF SLEEP<div class="MsoNormal">
If you go day after day, week after week, not getting enough
sleep, the toll it will take on you can be greater than you realize. Lack of
sleep can clog up your ability to think clearly, and can make you feel more raw
and sensitive emotionally. The effects tend to be cumulative, so that the
longer you've been having trouble getting enough rest, the greater the impact
on your life may be. Some people report starting to have depression,
hopelessness, or even a sense that they are losing their minds. You can start
to just plain feel shaky, physically and mentally.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So if you
feel as though you're falling apart, one possibility is that you just need to
sleep.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being
involved in a destructive relationship can make sleep hard to come by. The
stress and emotional pain of being mistreated can keep you awake. Your worries
about what your partner will do next can do the same. Maybe sometimes -- or often
-- he doesn't let you sleep,
either to punish you about something he's angry about or as a way to force you
to have sex with him. When a man causes sleep deprivation in his partner, he is
actually committing one of the more serious forms of physical abuse -- yes,
sleep deprivation is a form of <i>physical</i>
abuse --
but the depth of damage he can do in these ways is often not
recognized. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have
young children, that adds a lot of additional challenges to getting sleep,
especially if your partner isn't carrying his weight about sharing the times of
getting out of bed to attend to a child in need.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Keep some
notes about how much sleep you get, and track your rest patterns over a period
of weeks. Putting down on paper what is going on can help you to assess whether
lack of sleep is actually one of the major contributors to emotional and
physical struggles you are having.<br />
<br />
<h4 style="background-color: #c0a154; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.2859992980957px; margin: 0px; position: relative;">
(This post is based on an entry from Lundy's forthcoming book <i>"Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men", </i>which will be released by Berkley Books (Penguin) on April 7, 2015.)</h4>
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-56060558106063889962015-01-12T06:20:00.000-08:002015-03-13T10:10:13.123-07:00You Are Their Mother<div align="left" class="04BodyTextFL">
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The title of today’s second post may seem
odd to you. If you have children, you’re probably thinking, “Of course I’m
their mother. What’s up with that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the rush of daily responsibilities
and challenges—especially when you are in a relationship with someone whose
behavior is a huge problem some days—it’s possible to forget just how important
you are to your children.<o:p></o:p></span>
<br />
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Biology is not the issue here; in fact, some of you
are raising children you didn’t give birth to. Motherhood is about so much more
than giving birth or breastfeeding, as powerful and profound as those are. As
your children’s mother, you are their protector, their moral compass and
teacher, their key source of love and affection and nurturing, their refuge,
their source of faith.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">You might ask, “Isn’t their father supposed to be
these things too?” Yes, although even the best father can’t be exactly what a
mother is. But if your partner is struggling with addiction, is deeply selfish,
or is abusive to you, he can’t even begin to be what the children need him to
be. So your role as a mother grows even bigger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The bitter irony here is that many destructive men
attack a woman’s sense of her value as a mother. Your partner may say that he
knows better than you do what the right way is to raise children, . He may even
try to convince you that there is something toxic about you that your children
are in danger of catching, and use that as an excuse to take away your
parenting decisions and rights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="left" class="04BodyText">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">So when you say to yourself, “I am the children’s
mother,” you are making a profound statement that is not about being their
biological or legal parent. You are stating how absolutely critical your <span class="ITAL">role</span> is in who they are and who they will become, and how
inalienable your right is to guide them and love them. Your children are
looking to you.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"></span><br />
<h4 style="background-color: #c0a154; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20.2859992980957px; margin: 0px; position: relative;">
(This post is based on an entry from Lundy's forthcoming book <i>"Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men", </i>which will be released by Berkley Books (Penguin) on April 7, 2015.)</h4>
</div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-58781847124019775442014-04-13T18:04:00.000-07:002014-04-13T18:04:57.238-07:00THE ABUSER CRUSADE<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When a man
has some unhealthy relationship patterns to begin with, the last thing he needs
is to discover philosophies that actually back up the destructive aspects of
how he thinks. Take a guy who is somewhat selfish and disrespectful to begin
with, then add in a big dose of really negative influences, and you have a
recipe for disaster. And the sad reality is that there are websites, books, and
even organizations out there that encourage men to be at their worst rather
than at their best when it comes to relating to women.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some of
these groups come under the heading of what is known as “Men’s Rights” or
“Father’s Rights” groups. Their writings spread the message that women are
trying to control or humiliate men, or are mostly focused on taking men’s
money. They also tend to promote the idea that women who want to keep primary
custody of their children after divorce are evil. The irony is that we live in
a country that has refused to pass an amendment to the constitution to
guarantee equal rights for women; yet some men are still out there claiming
that women have <i>too many</i> rights and
that men don’t have enough.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other
groups don’t use the language of “rights”, but promote abusive thinking by
talking about the “natural” roles of men and women. These groups teach, for
example, that men are biologically programmed to be the ones making the key
decisions, and that women are just naturally the followers of men’s leadership.
These philosophies sometimes teach that men and women are just too different to
have really close relationships.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Human
personalities and preference are obviously not determined by biology. There are
women who love to watch football and men who would much rather be dancing. There
are women who hold in all their feelings and men who burst into tears freely.
No one has the right to tell anyone what they “naturally” are or must be; one
of the greatest joys of human life is having the freedom to decide for
ourselves what our identities and styles will be.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you see
your partner coming under the influence of a philosophy that is harming your
relationship, take some steps to research it. Look underneath the surface of
what he is telling you about his new belief system. If he starts to attend
workshops or read books that seem to be worsening rather than improving how he
treats you, try to use the Internet to make contact with other women who have
been hurt by these philosophies. The clearer you can be about what he is
getting into, the more you’ll be prepared to defend yourself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-76227348111200795222014-03-20T18:10:00.000-07:002014-03-20T18:10:57.067-07:00WHO IS THE CONTROLLING ONE? <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Has your partner ever said to you, “You’re the
controlling one! You are always trying to control <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me!</i> You’re a controlling bitch!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>These accusations can create confusion for the woman. So
let’s clarify a few points.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is not</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>control when you:</span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Demand
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(including demanding that you be spoken to with respect)</span></li>
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couple (and for the family if you have children), such as abusing alcohol,
gambling, ignoring the children, or being mean to the children</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i></b> control when you:</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m willing to
bet that when he calls you controlling, he is referring to things you do from
the first list, and that when you call him controlling, you’re referring to
things he does from the second list. He's the one getting it all backwards.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Another useful, though tricky, concept:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s control when you are trying to take
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someone else from taking your rights away. (The reason this gets tricky is
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has the right to abuse you.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And a last concept:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The abusive man will call you “controlling” for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">resisting <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">his</b> control</i>.
Noticing when this is happening will be a huge help to you.</span></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-2337347568234553252014-02-26T06:34:00.000-08:002014-02-26T06:34:35.051-08:00HE WANTS SEX AT THE WRONG TIMES<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Verbal
abuse is not sexy. Intimidation is not sexy. Public humiliation is not sexy.
Ruining the day is not sexy. So why does he think that a short period of time –
say a couple of hours -- after he’s been treating you terribly could somehow be
a good time for sex? He really thinks that this is when you are going to be in
the mood?</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not
exactly. The problem, as is so often true with abusive men, is that he isn’t
thinking about you at all; he’s thinking only about himself. He wants sex to
reassure himself that he hasn’t driven you away, and that he still has access
to your body. He thinks that if he can get you to have sex, that also means he
has erased from history the destructive acts he did earlier. And he wants to
have sex because in some twisted way his ugly behavior made him feel close,
even though it had the opposite effect on you.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And because
of the ways he’s been tearing you down, it gets hard for you to say no to sex
that you don’t want; you can end up feeling like giving him what he wants is
the only way to settle him down so that he doesn’t launch into more abuse, or
even violence.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He is the
one whose reactions are unhealthy, not yours. The feelings you are going
through are completely natural for a woman who has been demeaned and bullied.
When he has sex with you following one of his incidents, that is a form of
sexual abuse, even if you don’t – or can’t – fight him on it. Keep reminding
yourself that the sickness is in him, not in you. Sex after abuse is just more abuse.</div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-11318218409979074452013-06-11T19:00:00.001-07:002013-06-11T19:00:33.613-07:00"HOW MUCH SHOULD I STAND UP TO HIM?"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">One of the common
contradictions that women hear goes like this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">“Well, it’s your
own fault because you let him get away with treating you like that. You have to
stand up to him.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>while other people say</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">“If you’re going
to get right up in his face and push his buttons like that, what do you expect?
You already knew how he’d react if you said that to him, because of what has
happened before, but you said it anyhow.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So what’s the correct way to handle him? Should you stand
up to him or shouldn’t you?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The answer is that no one has any business telling you
what to do, because there are so many factors involved in the decision <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in each specific situation</i>. You are the
expert on your partner. You know which issues you can (usually) get away with
challenging him about. And you know that there are others where he will punish
you if you stand up to him. Some days you will choose to hold your ground
despite the pain his retaliation will cost you; you’ll do that because the issue
that you’re arguing about means that much to you, or because you can’t take
being bullied anymore, or because your soul and dignity need to see you resist
his dictates from time to time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Most people don’t understand how payback-oriented
controlling and abusive men are. They don’t understand what a high price you
may pay for calling him on how wrong his statements and actions are. How can
someone else know when it’s worth it to you and when it isn’t?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And as for people who are telling you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to challenge him, they too have no
idea what they are talking about. While it’s true that confronting him can cost
you a lot, failing to fight back eats away at your soul over time. These people
are saying, in effect, that you should consent to be oppressed because it will
make life look a little more peaceful, a little less overtly injurious, a
little less scary. It’s the same thing as saying to someone, “You should let
the invaders take your children one at a time, because otherwise they might
take them all at once.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There are no simple solutions in dealing with a partner
who bullies you, and you deserve respect and understanding about that fact from
the people in your life.</span></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-73404633359132759722013-01-04T05:32:00.003-08:002013-01-04T05:33:35.221-08:00WHEN YOU KNOW YOU NEED A GOOD CRY<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>I wrote a previous post about the
powerful healing role that crying can play, especially if you can train
yourself to cry hard and long. Many women who have heard me
speak about this subject have said to me, “There are times when I can tell that
I need to cry, because I've built up so much pent-up emotions, but I can’t do it. How
do I get that cry to come out of me when it’s stuck?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
are several techniques to use to get that dam to break:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> Make a crying date with
yourself, where you actually set aside time and find a way to be alone.
Tears are much more likely to come when you know you won’t have to choke
them right back off again.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Collect some of the music
that has brought you to tears before. Listening to your favorite sad or
touching song can be a great way to get your crying started; and once the
ice breaks, you’ll move on soon to crying about issues that have been
weighing on you.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Spend some time thinking
about memories from long ago. It’s usually easier to start crying about
sadnesses from far in the past. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Let your crying take you
where it wants to go. Sometimes you will be sad about an old loss, and
suddenly you’ll find that instead you’re crying about an event from
yesterday. The opposite will happen also, where tears about a recent
emotional wound carry you into deep sobbing about a much earlier period in
your life. Don’t fight this process; your soul knows exactly which piece
it needs to grieve today. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Photographs can be
powerful for evoking emotion. So can certain passages from books, pieces
of poetry, or scenes from movies. Draw on whatever gets you going.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">If you have a trusted
friend, see if she would sit with your or hold you while you cry.
Similarly, you can imagine your best friend or closest relative sitting
with you even if you are actually crying by yourself, and that image can
help the tears flow.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"> </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Anger can help to unlock
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a long time, ten or fifteen minutes or more. Try to make yourself feel
powerful; the more your rage comes from a place of power, the more likely
it is to unleash your tears.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Almost
anyone can cry (especially among women), but not many people can cry deeply and
at length except by training themselves to do so. In other words, learning to
cry is a skill, like studying an instrument or developing your athletic
abilities. The more effort you put in the deeper the rewards.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-76907083760252435202012-11-08T07:42:00.000-08:002012-11-08T07:42:15.306-08:00AVOIDING PEOPLE WHEN YOU GO BACK TO HIM<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Today I
am going to describe a pattern that sometimes plays out with when a woman is
struggling with a partner who doesn’t treat her right. If it sounds familiar,
you’ll find it helpful to recognize it and not let it happen again. And if you
haven’t lived this one, you can think ahead about how to make sure you never
do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It goes
like this: First, you find yourself mired in one of those periods when he is
just being rotten to you day after day, and you feel like you just can’t take
it anymore. You rant to some of your closest people about what a jerk he is,
and they are right behind you on it. You say you’re done with him, and they
cheer you on to give him the boot, helping you to plan how you’ll do it. You’re
all a team.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
over a period of days or weeks you are feeling less and less sure. The thought
of ending your relationship starts to feel overwhelming, and the loss seems too
great. He senses that you are leaning toward the door – or you tell him
outright – and he improves his behavior some and promises to make bigger
changes. The upshot is that you are going to give it another try.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now
comes the tricky part. You’ve been bonding with loved ones about how awful he
is, so how do you explain to them that you’re staying? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
something else starts to happen, which is that the crisis of your relationship
almost coming apart makes you and your partner feel closer. He’s being sweet,
and you’re feeling a little resentful towards people around you for being so
negative about him. You tell yourself that they don’t really understand him, or
you for that matter; in fact, you feel like he’s the only person who really
gets you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So now
you and he have become a secret society, a special team together against that
hostile, non-comprehending world out there. You have a deep connection with
each other that they just can’t grasp. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In
short, you have two reasons to keep them all away; you are a little ashamed in
front of them, but at the same time you are feeling that you and your partner
are a little bit above them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But
what is really happening is that you are growing more traumatized and more
isolated. Your partner is drawing you into a traumatic bond, and
leading you away from your support system. Your secret society is not a healthy
place to be. It’s an illusion, and a destructive one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your people love you. Don’t cut them out.
Whatever you decide about how to handle your relationship, keep reaching back
toward the hands that are reaching out to you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“I can’t ever let my
partner come between me and my people. I have to see this for what it is.”</b></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span></b>Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-39055190582460370962012-08-27T16:18:00.001-07:002012-08-27T16:19:31.882-07:00GOOD PEOPLE ABOUND<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You may
feel quite shaken up in your view of the human race. Any woman who suffers
serious mistreatment from a partner she had loved and trusted struggles with
feelings of betrayal. And betrayal <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">can
knock you off your foundation at a core level, so that:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">the world starts to feel like an unsafe
place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">everyone’s motives start to be suspect</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;">you start to question your sense of what is
real</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"> If your partner
were terrible all the time, it would actually be easier to deal with in many
ways; you would tell yourself, “Well, he turned out to be a jerk.” But when
someone you love goes back and forth between kindness and cruelty</span>,
generosity and selfishness, tenderness and intimidation, loving you and
cheating on you, you can come to feel that it’s impossible to understand
people. Your feelings for the primary person in your life tend to carry over
into how you view everyone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Your
partner may further feed the problem by encouraging you to think badly of
others. He may tell you that people are lying to you or taking advantage of
you; that your friends have hidden motives; that you are naïve in your dealings
with people; that “everyone is just out for themselves.” He’s talking about
himself, though he probably doesn’t know it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
yes, there are sharks out there. But the world is also full of so many
thoughtful, caring, honest individuals. Most people <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t</i> use other people, or trick them, or threaten them. In fact,
most people are doing their best to live ethical lives and to be decent and
responsible for other people.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So
don’t let your partner (or ex-partner) distort your outlook on your species. Look for the good
in people, and notice their efforts to make human connection. Be smart, yes,
but don’t harden your heart. You will find many gems in the human race.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“I will stay open to
people and give them a chance. I’m keeping my heart alive.”</b></div>
Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-66663196799673012652012-04-03T18:40:00.000-07:002012-04-03T18:40:34.618-07:00WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUESome of the hardest put-downs to deal with are the ones that seem to have aspects of truth to them. Maybe he’s snarling at you that you can’t handle money, and the truth is that your finances really are in a mess. Maybe he’s calling you fat, and in reality you have indeed put on some pounds. Maybe he’s saying that everyone thinks you’re a psycho, and the truth is that some important friends actually have turned against you.<br />
<br />
Does this mean that he’s trying to help you to face some things that you need to face? Does this mean you are wrong to feel bad about the ways you are being verbally torn apart?<br />
<br />
No.<br />
<br />
The truth is that even when he seems to be right, he’s still wrong. And he's definitely not trying to help, though he may tell you he is. Here are reasons <b>not</b> to take his statements to heart:<br />
<br />
1) Because he’s exaggerating your difficulties in order to hurt you, even if there are partial truths in his words. <br />
<br />
2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault, and that it shows what a weak person you are underneath. And that’s completely false.<br />
<br />
3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse.<br />
<br />
4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.<br />
<br />
A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you. <br />
<br />
To put it concisely: <b>It is impossible for a man to see a woman clearly while he is controlling her, abusing her, or cheating on her<br />
</b>.<br />
<br />
A meditation for today: <b>“I will listen carefully to my own inner voices, and to people who love me and treat me well. His harangues need to go in one ear and out the other.”</b>Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-14909264956415152532012-02-11T08:19:00.000-08:002012-02-11T08:19:35.121-08:00RETHINKING CHARMAs a society, we place a high value on charm; when we meet new people, we love it if they are very quickly smooth, funny, entertaining, and flattering. We are charmed when they seem immediately ready to jump into doing favors for us. We love confidence, lively story-telling, and a sharp personal appearance.<br />
<br />
And it all can be bad news.<br />
<br />
This is a hard pattern to overcome. We have been so heavily taught by our culture, by romantic stories, by television and movies, and by popular songs, to fall in love with charm that we are addicted to it. We run after it like children after the Pied Piper, thinking it will deeply meet our cravings. And it usually leads either nowhere -- which is okay, but disappointing -- or into harm. <br />
<br />
It's not our fault that we got hooked on charm, given our societal training, but we need to get past it. Abusers tend to be charming. Sociopaths tend to be charming. People with personality disorders tend to be charming. Con artists tend to be charming. Users tend to be charming. <br />
<br />
Is every charming person exploitative? No. But charm is not a good sign. We need to do a 180 degree turn in how we think about charm. Our current thinking is:<br />
<br />
"Because you are so charming, I will need a mountain of bad experience to convince me that you are actually not a trustworthy person."<br />
<br />
We need to switch this to its opposite:<br />
<br />
"Because you are so charming, I will need a mountain of good experience to conclude that you are okay."<br />
<br />
In other words, charm should count against the person in deciding whether to trust them, not for them. If we would practice this, we would often save ourselves from an abusive relationship, from people who steal our money, from bosses who turn out to be terrors, from nightmarish housemates, and from other situations of harm that we find ourselves sucked into.<br />
<br />
Why is charm a warning sign? First of all, developing and maintaining a charming exterior takes a lot of work all the time. People who choose to put that much exaggerated effort into how they present themselves are often doing so because they have something to hide. They move through the world taking advantage of people, so they need to put that way of operating in a package that looks appealing or everyone would run away from them. Exploiters tend to be charmers.<br />
<br />
Second, the other most common reason for people to be so focused on putting forth an exaggeratedly powerful positive image is that they deeply hate themselves (way beyond the typical kinds of self-esteem issues that we all struggle with). They are convinced, largely unconsciously, that anyone who saw who they really are would despise them and want nothing to do with them. And as a result they have developed a psychological condition known as a personality disorder. This self-hating charmer is not meaning to take advantage of people, but ends up doing so anyhow (for a complex set of reasons -- I'll write about personality disorder and how it works another time). If someone with a personality disorder plays a key role in your life, that can be as stressful as dealing with an abuser or a sociopath.<br />
<br />
(By the way, sociopaths are considered to have a personality disorder, but I choose to put them in a somewhat separate category, because they know they're using people, and they just don't care.)<br />
<br />
And people can have mixtures of these issues; for example, there are abusers who have personality disorders (although most don't even though they may seem like they do).<br />
<br />
So what's the solution? Here are a few things we can do:<br />
<br />
* Be wary of charmers. Keep one hand on your wallet. Listen carefully to your own inner voices and warnings, and get to know the person gradually, watching their behavior. Stop respecting and admiring charm.<br />
<br />
* Look for a different set of qualities in people, instead of charm. Look for sincerity, dependability, good listening, and an ability to share the spotlight (not having to always be the center of attention). Look for an ability to take feedback and realize when they have made mistakes. Look for flexibility. Look for deep kindness over time (not just big generosity right now, which is part of charm). Look for a person who has successful relationships with (healthy) friends and relatives that have held up for many years. Look for substance.<br />
<br />
* Look for people whose entertaining qualities are a little subtler. There are many people who are tremendous fun, have great senses of humor, or are quite uninhibited, but it doesn't all come pouring out at once the second you meet them.<br />
<br />
* Look for people who aren't overly dramatic. The drama-junkie is entertaining at first, but will bring a lot of bad drama into your life that you don't need. <br />
<br />
* Stop expecting romance right at the beginning of a dating relationship. Meaningful, satisfying romance takes a while to build. The guy who is instantly romantic is often a guy who can't really make friends with a woman or can't take women seriously as people. The most romantic first dates rarely seem to lead to the most romantic relationships.<br />
<br />
There are so many great people in the world. But to find them, we sometimes have to change where we're looking. Some charming people turn out to be genuinely great, but so often they don't. Keep your eyes open and look for people who have something deeper and more genuine to offer.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-20328412716556716272012-02-04T07:05:00.000-08:002012-02-11T07:09:29.815-08:00CAN THE FAMILY COURT GET UP TO SPEED ON THE PAST FORTY YEARS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE RESEARCH?Family courts across the continent are continuing to operate largely disconnected from the last four decades of research and clinical writing on incest perpetration, including the stories of survivors. The unfortunate result in many cases that I have researched is that court and court-appointed personnel are basing their decisions on myths and misconceptions that went out long ago, sometimes leading to disastrous results for children and their non-offending parents. Here are some of the key points that family courts are often missing (I use "he" for the suspected perpetrator and "she" for the alleged victim, since this is statistically the most common scenario):<br />
<br />
<b>* A child's relationship with a parent that is sexually abusing her will often have some positive (or at least positive appearing) aspects.</b><br />
<br />
Courts in some cases stop looking carefully at evidence of sexual abuse by a father if they get reports that the child is sometimes happy to see him, is physically affectionate with him, or expresses interest in seeing him. The reality is that incest perpetrators typically develop a bond (though not a healthy one) with their victims through doing favors, giving positive attention, expressing love (and even describing the sexual abuse as proof of that love), and buying gifts. This is extremely confusing for the child and tends to leave her with powerful ambivalent feelings and adds to the difficulty she faces in making the hard decision of whether to disclose his behavior, and then whether to testify against him.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, incest perpetrators do profound psychological damage to their victims without being horrible to them all the time. In fact, survivors say that the positive-appearing aspects of their relationships with their fathers made the emotional wounds in many ways deeper and harder to heal from. <br />
<br />
I have been involved in a number of cases where court personnel acknowledged that the sexual abuse had occurred or had probably occurred, but then have gone on to state that the child's relationship with the father has some positive aspects, and therefore is very important to preserve in an extensive form. This conclusion does not follow from the research evidence regarding harm and is specifically contradicted by survivors' stories; contact between an incest perpetrator and a victim should occur only with highly-trained and vigilant supervision, and should stop any time the victim wishes it to or starts to show significant emotional deterioration following visits.<br />
<br />
<b>* It is common for a victim to recant disclosures of sexual abuse some time later, and even more so in cases where she has continued to have unsupervised contact with the suspected perpetrator.<b></b></b><br />
<br />
Incest perpetrators are known to control and intimidate the victim in various ways following a disclosure; commonly reported tactics include threatening to harm the child or actually doing so, telling the child that he will go to jail if she doesn't recant, threatening to harm the mother, telling the child that she will never get to see him (the father) again if she doesn't recant, promising her purchases, vacations, or other rewards in return for recanting, and promising her that the abuse will stop in return for recanting. Obviously the more extensive access the suspected perpetrator has to the child through visitation, phone calls, texting, and email, or if the child is continuing to live with him, the greater the risk of a forced recantation. <br />
<br />
<b>* The suspected perpetrator will make angry, outraged, and hurt-sounding denials in close to 100% of cases. A correctly-accused perpetrator will be very difficult to distinguish by his public behavior, including his behavior at court, from one who is false accused. The perpetrator is often a respected and successful member of the community.</b><br />
<br />
Courts have to rely on the evidence, not on how the suspect presents himself or what his public reputation is like.<br />
<br />
<b>* Incest perpetration is almost always surrounded by a other behaviors by the man that violate the child's boundaries in subtler, less overtly illegal, ways. These behaviors usually begin well before the outright sexual abuse begins, and then continue along side it.<br />
</b><br />
Courts sometimes make the mistake of discounting evidence of boundary violations toward a child "because they don't rise to the level of sexual abuse." Such boundary violations need to be taken seriously always, but in a case where there are other indications of sexual abuse -- such as a child's disclosure, for example -- such lower level boundary violations should be treated as evidence pointing to the likelihood that the outright sexual abuse being disclosed did in fact take place. <br />
<br />
<b>* It is virtually unheard of for children younger than teenagers to make up reports of sexual abuse, and even in teenagers it is very rare. </b><br />
<br />
Mistaken reports of sexual abuse do not come from children making them up. They come from one of the following sources: 1) A statement by the child that was misinterpreted by adults; 2) The child having been manipulated or intimidated into making the false allegation. Proper unbiased investigation makes it possible to find out if one of these two is functioning in a case. <br />
<br />
<b>* Most sexual abuse allegations that are brought to the attention of family courts are brought in good faith, not as a "tactic."</b><br />
<br />
Every large-sample study that has been done has found that true reports of sexual abuse are substantially more common than mistaken ones even when they occur in the context of child custody litigation. Further, the research has found that even most mistaken allegations are brought in good faith, meaning that the parent heard a disclosure or witnessed behaviors that would have worried most responsible parents. And finally, the research shows that sexual abuse allegations that are deliberately false are made equally by fathers and mothers; there is no basis for the belief that women are especially likely to make a false sexual abuse report during litigation.<br />
<br />
<b>* Domestic violence perpetrators (specifically, men who batter women), have been found in study after study to commit a far higher rate of incest than non-battering men do.</b><br />
<br />
You can read a review of many studies on the subject in Chapter 4 of my book The Batterer as Parent. When there is persuasive evidence of a history of domestic violence, courts should make sure to investigate sexual abuse disclosures, and reports of lower level (not illegal) boundary violations, by that father with even more care and diligence.<br />
<br />
<b>* When a child discloses sexual abuse to a parent (by anyone), the parent needs to believe the child and take every possible step to protect her.<br />
</b><br />
It may seem odd that I have to say this, but it is regrettably common for mothers in family courts to be criticized for believing the child, particularly if other systems such as child protection or the family court have declared that they cannot find enough evidence to restrict the father's visitation. If a mother persists in believing her child, and tries to explain the different ways in which systems failed to make a properly thorough and unbiased investigation, she may have various negative labels attached to her by court personnel or may be threatened with having the child removed from her even if any other responsible parent in her position would also remain concerned, given the facts of the case.<br />
<br />
Everything I wrote above remains true if the child making the disclosure is a boy, by the way.<br />
It is my fervent hope that family courts across the continent will take rapid steps to get themselves in alignment with the research and with the published accounts of survivors. A tremendous number of lives are in the balance.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-78659406123681255472012-01-25T05:37:00.000-08:002012-01-25T05:37:59.798-08:00A POWERFUL KEY TO HEALING FROM TRAUMAWe are designed, deep down in our genetic structure, to heal naturally from emotional injury, including trauma. Amidst all of the focus on modern invention and discovery, we are missing the oldest, and for most people the most powerful, route to emotional wellness: deep crying.<br />
<br />
Crying is the most misunderstood aspect of human experience. If we could get this one right, we could get everything else right; our failure to grasp how crying works is in many ways the core of the difficulties faced by our species.<br />
<br />
I read a book a few years ago about crying that went on for chapters and chapters about what a mystery there is about why people cry. But there is no mystery about tears; they exist to make us well. From the time we are born until we grow as old as the ancients, we cry to relieve our pain. There is no more effective pain-killer on the earth, and that’s what it’s there for. <br />
<br />
But crying does much more than make us feel better; it literally heals grief, and does so more deeply and powerfully, and in a way that is much longer lasting, than any other emotional healing approach we know about. Tears literally wash our grief away.<br />
<br />
So why are we putting so much energy into trying not to cry, and to trying to stop each other from crying? Here are a few of the reasons:<br />
<br />
• We confuse the pain (the grief, for example) with the healing of the pain. We think that when someone is crying, that’s a sign of how much they are hurting. But it isn’t. It’s a sign that some of their hurt is getting out of them. We mistakenly believe that if we stop them from crying (by “cheering them up” for example, or by “getting their mind off of it”), that we have made them feel better. But we haven’t. We’ve stopped their healing process, and left them with all the same pain they started with, which will come up to hurt them another day soon… So remember, the sadness is the pain, and the crying is the healing of that pain.<br />
<br />
• We’re afraid that people will feel sorry for us if we cry, and it doesn’t feel good to have people feeling sorry for us… So stop feeling sorry for people who are crying, and just love and support them, and hope that people will learn to do the same for you.<br />
<br />
• We believe that crying makes people weak. But it doesn’t, it makes them strong, especially if they cry long and hard. (It’s true that hours and hours, or years and years for that matter, of shallow, hesitant, lonely, weepy crying can sap your power. But deep, gut-wrenching, cleansing crying will leave you with more strength than you started with.)<br />
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• We don't cry long enough and hard enough to discover its benefits. If you cry only a little bit, keeping it shallow and short, which is what most people do, you’ll come out thinking that crying doesn’t really do much. But watch how babies and young children cry; they cry with every fiber of their being, their heart just pours with grief as if the world were ending. And then – if no one makes fun of them for it or treats them unkindly – they keep it going for quite a while. And finally, they get the cleansing of their pain that they needed, and they are in high spirits and high energy for a long time afterward! Why are we denying children a healing process that obviously works so well? Just watch and see what happens when you love a child while he or she cries, and let them – in fact encourage them – to cry as long and hard as they need to. You will see what I’m describing.<br />
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• We’re afraid that we’ll get ridiculed for crying. And tragically, that is sometimes exactly what happens.<br />
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A study years back found that 80% of women and 70% of men said that they felt better after a “good” cry – meaning a deep and extended one. You will not find it easy to unearth any other healing approach that is successful with three-quarters of the population. Participants in that study also described numerous additional benefits, including that they found that they could think more clearly after crying, that they were capable of finding solutions to problems that previously had seemed impossible to overcome, and that they felt more loving and understanding towards other people.<br />
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And we are born to do it. No one has to teach us how to cry. It's in our biological programming.<br />
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Rather than being seen as a sidelight in the healing of trauma, we should come to recognize deep crying as the key. <br />
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This is the first round of a series of posts I am going to write about crying. In the weeks ahead, I will be answering questions such as: 1) How come some days I can cry my pain out and other days I can’t?, 2) But what if I’m one of those people who feel worse after crying, not better?, 3) How should I deal with my children’s crying?, 4) What should I say when a friend starts to cry?, 5) Does crying have to be a lonely activity?, and 6) How can I bring more crying -- and more deep emotional healing in general -- into my life?<br />
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In the mean time, I would love to have people write in with stories of transformative experiences you have had through crying.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-25703606795126979712012-01-02T20:39:00.000-08:002014-05-21T07:26:52.700-07:00AM I THE ABUSIVE ONE?Living with an angry and controlling partner can become a twisted world where bad is good, down is up, and wrong is right. Many women over the years have said to me, “My partner tells me that I’m the one abusing him. He has said it so many times that I start to wonder if he’s right. How do I know if it’s him or me?”<br />
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We can look at some ways to answer that question, but first I would like you to read a few concepts, taking a deep breath after each one so that you can absorb it.<br />
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<b>One: You are not responsible for his behavior. You do not make him do things. His actions are his own choice.<br />
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</b>Breathe.<br />
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<b>Two: You deserve to be treated well even when you make mistakes, and even if you make them a lot.</b> <br />
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Breathe.<br />
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<b>Three: Setting firm, clear limits for how your partner is allowed to treat you is not the same thing as controlling him, and should not be called control.<br />
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</b>Breathe.<br />
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<b>Four: Choosing to not always put your partner’s needs ahead of your own does not constitute hurting him, wronging him, or being selfish. You have the right to give substantial priority to your own needs and desires.<br />
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</b>Breathe.<br />
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<b>Five: If you scream and yell once in a while that does not mean that you are crazy or abusive (though he may say so). It depends on whether you are yelling degrading things, whether your partner is intimidated by you, whether you are yelling to control him (versus yelling to resist his control), and many other factors. <br />
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Breathe.<br />
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These five concepts cover most of the situations where angry and controlling men try to turn the tables on their partners. If you work on digesting each point, he will have a much harder time convincing you that you are really the one with the problem.<br />
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But I haven’t really answered your question yet. You may still wonder, “But what if he really isn’t the destructive one, and I am? How would I know?” Here’s how:<br />
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* He’s kind to you most of the time, and he treats you reasonably decently even when he’s mad or upset with you.<br />
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* He takes responsibility for his own actions, not frequently blaming them on you or on stress or other excuses. And he doesn't get scary.<br />
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* He has asked you repeatedly, and in a decent and thoughtful way (not in a stream of put-downs) to change specific behaviors of yours, and you seem to keep returning to doing those things he has asked you not to do.<br />
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* He has shown willingness to work on things you want him to work on, and has taken real steps regarding those issues (not just making promises).<br />
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If all of the above points are true then, okay, maybe you need to look at your treatment of him. But otherwise – and I’m willing to bet your situation falls into the “otherwise” category – your partner is doing what so many angry and controlling men do, which is turning things into their opposites in order to have even more weapons to hammer you with.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com69tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-8629226920751600152011-12-22T08:48:00.000-08:002011-12-22T08:48:24.898-08:00HEALING AT SOLSTICE TIMEToday is the shortest day of the year. I want to wish everyone a Happy Solstice, and share a few reflections about this time of the year. <br />
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First of all, the December holidays are a notoriously difficult time for people who are lonely or who are in painful life circumstances. Because of my work, I especially think at this time of year about women who are involved with men who are tearing them down; and I think about the fact that those men may be dragging children into the pattern of selfish and cruel behavior as well. I also think of those mothers who have been pulled away from their children by an abusive man and by the courts. So if you are a woman living in this kind of atmosphere, please know that you are in my thoughts and I'm wishing all the best for you and your children. <br />
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Next, I want to draw our attention to the power of Solstice as a healing time of the year. The period when the days are short and the nights are long has traditionally been viewed as a time for reflection, rest, and renewal. The spirit turns inward and enters a dormant state, making space for deep changes and new growth to take place. The mind calms but does not stop working; in fact, moving below the surface, as in a dream, it may find solutions to problems that our more active, conscious, deliberate kind of thinking was not able to solve. Yes, energy slows somewhat at this time of year, but more importantly it changes forms and works in different ways. <br />
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This time of the year more than any other we speak of peace, of kindness, of everyone deserving to be well. During these weeks, a woman whose partner mistreats her may think to herself, “Do I really deserve to be talked to in these horrible ways? Is it really right for someone to be so mean to me? Don’t I deserve kindness as much as anyone?”<br />
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One result of this inner shifting and reevaluating around Solstice is that a lot of women take significant relationship steps during the months of January. As the New Year comes in, and the darkness begins to ease, people feel ready to start on new initiatives, to take greater risks, and to reach for the life that they know they deserve. <br />
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So even for people who feel despair at this time of year, the potential for a hopeful turn of events is great. Our lives revolve around the sun, literally and figuratively.<br />
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Last, I will say a few words about history. The solstices (both winter and summer) used to be among the most revered times of the year spiritually. Women played a huge role in most cultures in shaping and carrying out the spiritual observances. But a few thousand years ago, as spiritual practices came to be more and more controlled by male-dominated religious institutions, women’s spiritual leadership and spiritual vision were pushed more and more to the side. Now in much of the world the solstices are barely commemorated; and in some communities, it is considered ungodly even to celebrate the solstices. Pressuring people to remove nature-based observances from their spiritual practices was one of the ways in which women’s power and insights were systematically undermined. <br />
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I see a close link between the individual woman who is trying to get her power back from an oppressive partner and the efforts of women in general to regain their full say in creating, defining, and carrying out our spiritual visions, beliefs, and ceremonies. Personal and spiritual empowerment are interwoven. So listen carefully at this time of year to what your inner voices are telling you on many levels, including about the spiritual truths that you hold most dear. To my male readers, I want to say that these next few weeks are an especially important time of the year for us to be respecting women’s thinking and supporting their independent leadership.<br />
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I wish you all a Solstice of light, freedom, power, and kindness. The year ahead holds great promise.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-90662772475843372552011-12-16T08:11:00.000-08:002011-12-16T08:11:05.617-08:00Practicing Patience With ChildrenWhen an angry and controlling man lives in the house, his demeanor can set the tone for everybody. His outlook at home is focused on judgment, criticism, and demands. The message he sends constantly is, "You should be doing better! You aren't okay the way you are -- something is wrong with you! You need to be hammered into a better shape!" The mother has to focus huge energy on how to keep his hammer from falling on her -- meaning how to stay out of the way of his put-downs and snarling and aggression.<br />
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A woman living in this atmosphere is pushed, often without even realizing it, toward adopting an outlook on her children that is similar to the one the destructive man takes toward her. She can start to view her kids as bundles of problems and faults, as broken items that need to be fixed. She may spend the day yelling and criticizing. Part of why she may fall into this stance is that she sees how her partner reacts -- with ugliness -- every time the children inconvenience him or don't meet his image of perfect kids; so she starts to work doubly hard to mold her children into people that will please him. <br />
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If you see yourself in this picture, let me say that I get it that you are trying to do the right thing; you want to protect yourself and your children from harm. But trying to crunch the children down to keep them from upsetting their father can lead in some directions you don't intend, where the tyrannical man starts to creep inside you and make you become like him. <br />
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So it's important to balance your short-term urgency with an awareness of your long-term goals. Down the road, what is going to help the most to keep your kids safe from their father's ugly behaviors and attitudes? <br />
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1) Believing in their self-worth<br />
2) Experiencing patience and forgiveness<br />
3) Witnessing fairness in action<br />
4) Feeling what it's like to have their voices heard and their opinions taken seriously<br />
5) Learning to defend themselves and to stand up for themselves<br />
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Their father is not going to help them develop in these ways, unfortunately; in fact, he keeps modeling the exact opposite by tearing you down, and sometimes tearing them down too. So they are hungry for kindness, patience, and encouragement from you.<br />
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You can't be the perfect parent, especially when your partner is bringing so much toxicity into the environment. I don't want you berating yourself about the times when you lose your temper and yell at your kids, or about the days when you are too critical of them. But keep striving. Your kids are looking to you to be everything the opposite of what their father is: patient, supportive, forgiving, and affectionate (without being invasive). And they need you to set firm limits but without harshness. <br />
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Today, work to give them this quality of love to the fullest extent you can. You are hugely important to them, whether they allow you to see that or not.<br />
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<b>"My children and I are on the same team. Whether today is a hard day or an easy one, I'm going to keep reminding myself how much my love and kindness mean to them." <br />
</b>Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-53804225769846024142011-10-02T11:14:00.000-07:002011-10-02T11:17:36.725-07:00BREAKING ISOLATIONThe man who abuses his partner tries to make her feel alone – and in many ways tries to make her actually be alone. He tends, for example, to work hard to damage the woman’s friendships and cause distance in her relationships with her relatives. He criticizes her if she gives too much attention to other people, saying that she should be focused entirely on him. He may even listen in on her phone calls and read her emails to keep tabs on her communications with the outside world.<br />
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Why does the abusive man want to cut you off from others? First of all, he knows it will increase his power. A victim who is isolated is more dependent, more afraid to stand up to the abuser, more vulnerable. If the abuser can keep you away from contact with other people he can make sure that his voice is the only voice that you hear, and that makes him become the Last Word, the Voice of Truth. <br />
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To his mind, isolating you helps ensure that you won’t get information that might help you. The more you have contact with the world, the more you might learn about your legal rights; or you might talk to someone who helps you realize the abuse is not your fault; or you might find out that he’s been lying to you about important things. If you are more in contact with other people, you will feel stronger. You will believe in yourself more, and you might take steps to get your rights back, or to get away from the abuser. He wants to make sure this doesn’t happen, so he tries to narrow your world.<br />
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The second reason why the abuser uses isolation tactics is that he wants you to be focused exclusively on doing things for him. And he feels that if you have your own life, then you’ll be putting more of your energy toward yourself, and therefore less toward him. This kind of “zero-sum” thinking is distorted; the reality is that the richer a life you are living, the more you have to give to your partner (and to your children). But the abuser doesn’t look at it that way. He wants to control your attentions, and make them all be for him.<br />
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His excuses for isolating you may be disguised as efforts to help you. He may say that you should spend less time with your family because they are too much in your business and are trying to control you. He may tell you that your friends are using you, that they are just after you for money or to get you to look after their children. He may say that people in your life are lying to you. Be on the lookout for ways that he is poisoning your connections while pretending that it’s for your own good.<br />
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In many cases a woman doesn’t realize that her partner is isolating her until the damage has gone quite a ways. However, it is never too late to reestablish your connection to the world. <br />
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Even if you aren’t with your abusive partner any more, his effects can live on; a woman sometimes finds that it takes a long time to recover from all the damage that the abuser did to her relationships – including damage to her belief that anyone would even want to be her friend. So the project of breaking isolation is an important one even if your relationship is over.<br />
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Look for ways to reach out to people. You may have to be secretive about it, you may have to be cunning, but don’t give up. If your abuser is monitoring your telephone, look for ways to send emails and then erase them after they’re sent. If he watches all of your electronics, see if you can get in conversations at the grocery store, or see if you can slip a handwritten note to someone who might be able to help you. If he lets you go to medical appointments, that might be your opportunity to tell someone what is happening at home, or to make a friend in the waiting room. Look for a chance to call a hotline and talk.<br />
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Reach out to people who have turned against you, and see if those relationships can be repaired. Try to help people understand how the abuse has affected you, and that you didn’t really want to drop out of contact; help them see how he caused rifts in your relationships. Make apologies where you owe them to people, even if that’s hard to do, and see if you can bring people back close to you. If he has created bad feeling between you and your children, see if you can approach them in a new way, saying things you haven’t said before, and get the door to open again.<br />
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Try not to let the abuser convince you that you aren’t a desirable friend. There are people out there in the world who will love you, who will appreciate who you are, who will take the time to get to know what is inside of you, below the surface. There are dozens of women and men whose lives could use somebody like you. Don’t believe him that nobody wants you.<br />
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I understand that you may feel that you can’t trust anyone, given how burned you feel by him and by other people who have sided with him. But if he can keep you from ever trusting people, then he wins again. Don’t let him do it. There are trustworthy people in the world, people of honesty and integrity, people who stick by their friends. In fact, there are boatloads of them. Keep your eyes open, yes; don’t trust recklessly. But do trust.<br />
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Every day, think of a step you could take that day, even if it has to be a small one, toward breaking your isolation. The world wants you in it.<br />
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(As I write this, I am also thinking about people who have been abused in other kinds of circumstances. You might have been abused by one of your parents, or by a boss, or by a same-sex partner you were involved with. Whoever it was, they almost certainly used isolation tactics on you and tried to divide you from potential allies. And they had no right to do that.)<br />
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NOTE: If you wish to post a comment and no Comments box appears below, click below where it says the number of comments (e.g. "0 comments"), and the box will appear.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-58730322623064149492011-07-13T19:00:00.000-07:002011-10-02T11:40:56.895-07:00Is There Anyone Who Isn't a Trauma Survivor?In recent years, I've noticed that we tend to divide the world up into "trauma survivors" and everybody else. But I'm not sure this distinction is entirely real; I think what we're actually dealing with is people who know they've been traumatized and people who have forgotten. Or maybe the division is between people who are visibly shaken by their trauma and those who look solid; after all, we live in a society that places an extraordinarily high value on appearances, where people get a lot of credit for acting as if everything is fine, and a lot of criticism (or pity) for letting their pain show.<br />
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Sometimes I wish that for each person that walks by me on the street, I had a way to know what has been done to that person over the course of his or her lifetime, the injustices and betrayals that have tied weights around that person's heart. It's true that people are traumatized by floods and earthquakes, but not nearly as often as their hearts are broken by cruelty or violence from other human beings, most commonly by people they loved or trusted -- their parents, their lovers and spouses, their neighbors, their mentors.<br />
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One of the messages I give to professionals in my trainings is that they need to stop thinking that they are different from abused women. Professionals, both male and female, often look down on abused women, thinking things to themselves like, "I'd never let someone treat me that way," and, "If she stays there, she's part of the problem," and many other disrespectful attitudes that dismiss the hard realities that a woman faces -- the hard realities that anyone faces who is in a situation where another person can get away with abusing power.<br />
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I ask therapists and police officers and child protective workers and judges to stop having that superior attitude. Everyone has been abused, if they are part of our twisted modern societies. If you haven't been abused by a partner, then you've been abused by a parent, or by an adult relative when you were a child, or by a tyrannical boss, or by a superior officer in the military, or by a dangerous bully.<br />
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But people often block out these kinds of experiences that they've had and forget what it felt like, which is part of why they can sometimes be so judgmental and impatient with an abused woman.<br />
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If we did better at recognizing and admitting that we've all been traumatized, that each of us has experienced betrayals and abuses of power, then we'd pull together behind abused women and stop letting the society blame them for what abusers do, and we'd stop letting abusers get off the hook. We're all in this together, and the sooner we realize it, the better for everyone.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-84337634416553956872011-06-21T08:15:00.000-07:002011-06-21T08:23:05.904-07:00Abuse Continues Long After Women Leaveby Susan<br /><br />I saw a T-shirt that other day that said, "Domestic violence only ends when you leave."<br /><br />If only that were true.<br /><br />It's easy to think that the woman is free to leave at any time, and therefore she is choosing to be abused by staying. The reality is quite different. Ending an abusive relationship is only the first round of a boxing match with a blind referee against a heavyweight whose appetite for inflicting pain is never satisfied.<br /><br />The woman risks everything, even her life and the custody of her children, when she leaves. She'll never stop looking over her shoulder. She alone knows what he is capable of because she's seen the ruthless violence that he saves for when they are behind closed doors. In public, he is very charming and no one will believe he is capable of doing what she says he's done. She'll look crazy.<br /><br />The abuser will make the woman pay a steep price for her freedom. When she leaves, he will escalate the violence and abuse. He will call her night and day. He will tell lies to her family and friends. He will destroy her possessions. He will talk to her about all the ways he can take revenge, how no one will believe her, and how he always wins.<br /><br />What she does after she leaves will not be based solely on protecting her rights or doing what is right for her. Rather, every single decision she makes will be agonizingly weighed against what the retribution will be from him. If I file for divorce, will he kill me? If I file for custody because he's abusing the children, will he try to get sole custody or falsely accuse me of child abuse? If I file for a protection from abuse order, will it only enrage him more?<br /><br />He'll use the courts to continue his abuse. Instead of fearing being beaten when she gets home, she'll be afraid of being hit with more court motions. Our judicial system will allow him to make the divorce or custody process a living nightmare. He will delay the process, or bring frivolous motions. He won't answer her lawyer's letters, and he'll send dozens of his own. He will force her to use up what little money she may have fighting him in court over the simplest matters while the referee stands idly by doing nothing.<br /><br />Or, worst of all, he will take her children away despite overwhelming evidence of his abuse toward them. <br /><br />Is it any wonder she is having a difficult time leaving?<br /><br />Now imagine a society that holds him accountable for his abuse. The referee doesn't just cry foul, but prevents the boxing match from even taking place. The abuser is arrested and prosecuted every time he violates a protection from abuse order or doesn't uphold his end of a custody agreement. Custody evaluators and judges believe disclosures of abuse from children, and she isn't afraid of losing custody for protecting her children. She doesn't lose everything she owns to break free; marital assets are split fairly. He is ordered to an abuser program for at least one year, and preferably longer.<br /><br />It's time to stop blaming women for staying, because we as a society are the ones who let the domestic violence continue long after she's walked out the door. Instead, we need to start truly protecting women and their children after the relationship is over.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-25848000955588805562010-10-20T06:58:00.000-07:002010-10-20T07:36:17.791-07:00Helping A Loved One Who Isn't Ready to LeaveA woman who has contacted me before recently sent me the following letter:<br /><br />“I have a sister I’ve been working hard to support as she struggles with how to handle her abusive husband. I’ve been glad to be there for her, and it’s been a nice role-reversal because she’s older than I am, my ‘big sister’. At times I’ve felt that I was really helping, and all of those hours on the phone and email seemed worth it. She finally separated from him a couple of months ago, which was a huge step. She was proud and I felt proud for her. <br /><br />"But here’s what I’m writing about: Recently I found out from other relatives that she’s gone back to seeing her husband and is thinking about moving back in with him; she’s been lying about it to me, continuing to say how good she feels about staying away from him and what a mean, selfish, intimidating asshole he is. <br /><br />“So one issue is that I feel betrayed. But even more than that, I just don’t get why she would do that. I start to feel like she just doesn’t have the same level of desire that I do to live away from abuse. She’s already said that she knows he isn’t going to change. I just don’t get it. Any thoughts you have would be good to hear. I’m discouraged… Best to you, Renee.”<br /><br />Here is my response:<br /><br />Hi Renee,<br /><br />I've been thinking about your letter about your sister. <br /><br />First, I really appreciate how hard you have worked to be there for her. It can feel like a heavy load supporting a woman who isn’t ready to end contact with her partner – but she really needs that support. I believe that in some ways the worse the man has treated the woman, the harder it can be to leave him, precisely because of all the harm he has done. This is especially true if the man is of the style that turns nice (or seems to turn nice) for substantial periods of time, then goes back to being abusive. The confusion and drama that this kind of man can create is overwhelming. Many of these men have the power to create an endless nightmare through the custody process and through turning the children against their mother, and I don't blame someone who isn't ready to pay that price. Some guys get more dangerous when the woman leaves than they were before, so the physical risks are high. Some women are so badly shaken by the abuse that they don't believe they'll ever find a love that's better, and they'd rather have intermittent love than no love at all. Some abusers do change, and even though they are very few, the fact that the possibility exists is very tantalizing. The impacts of abuse-related trauma are huge, and we are only beginning to grasp their depth.<br /><br />And these are just a few of the reasons why it is so hard to break away. There are many, many more. We live in a society that makes it very difficult for women to get away from guys that treat them badly, and then we turn around and blame her for having so much trouble breaking free. I know it can be frustrating to support a woman who isn't ready to permanently end things, or who simply can't (because the costs of doing so would be too high to her and to her children). I think the best thing you can do as the helper is to go to someone else to get support for yourself about how hard it is for you to be there for a woman who is caught in that trap.<br /><br />A wonderful book that I recommend is called <span style="font-weight:bold;">Helping Her Get Free<span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span></span> (former title: “To Be An Anchor in the Storm”) by Susan Brewster. It has great advice about supporting an abused woman, including supporting her through the decision not to leave (or at least not to leave yet). It’s the only book I’ve seen that recognizes how hard it can be to be the one in the helper role, and that speaks to the helper with compassion. The woman you are helping deserves understanding, but so do you.<br /><br />And I understand why it’s upsetting to find that she isn’t being truthful with you. The thing is, she’s been so torn down by her husband that she is desperate for praise and approval from other people. So she is trying to tell you what she thinks you want to hear, so that you’ll be warm and kind with her. She needs, therefore, to discover that you are going to be warm and supportive with her unconditionally; that will help her climb up out of the shame (which her abusive partner has caused) enough to feel able to tell you the truth about things, during both the ups and the downs.<br /><br />Thank you for being so thoughtful and concerned about your sister. She really needs you to hang in there with her.<br /><br />Best to you,<br /><br />Lundy B.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-73185378843605396762010-04-09T21:16:00.000-07:002010-04-09T21:33:06.974-07:00Expecting Magic From Abuser ProgramsOne of the questions I most commonly get asked at speaking events is, "Do programs for abusive men work?" My answer is that, when they are run well, they work as well as we can expect them to in the time they are given. A typical length for a batterer program is 52 hours -- that is to say, 26 weeks for two hours a week. Sometimes the meetings are only an hour and a half, so the total time is even less. In other words, we are talking about undoing twenty or thirty or forty years of destructive socialization that has made an abusive man who he is, all in six months! The expectation is far-fetched.<br /> I encourage people to make the comparison to substance abuse programs. If a man (or a woman, for that matter) who had been drinking or drugging heavily for five or ten or fifteen years claimed to have licked the addiction through <span style="font-style: italic;">once a week counseling</span> for a grand total of <span style="font-style: italic;">six months</span>, most substance abuse experts would laugh the person out of the room. In the world of recovery from addiction, the common outlook is that if you go to <span style="font-style: italic;">three or four meetings per week</span> for a period of a year, and work hard in the program for that year, you have probably finally gotten <span style="font-style: italic;">a good start</span> on dealing with your issues; if you stick with it for a few more years, you might succeed in really turning your life around.<br /> Why would we expect it to be easier for a man to overcome a problem with violence and psychological viciousness toward women than to deal with a drinking problem? Abusiveness is just as deep a problem as addiction, and every bit as destructive -- in fact, often more so.<br /> If the society decides that it's time to send abusers the message that we take their crimes against women seriously, and that we refuse to live in a society that is shaped by domestic terrorists, we will start sending abusers to programs that they have to attend at least three times a week for two to three years. This will bring us in line with the kind of effort, and the kind of length of time, that it takes to make personal changes from deep, destructive, dangerous problems. Until then, we're continuing the pattern of slapping abusers on the wrist and sending them the message that change is optional. And it it's optional, very few abusers are going to choose to do the work, and make the sacrifices, involved in learning to respect women's rights.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-41926051698618202412010-02-05T19:32:00.000-08:002010-02-05T19:44:16.916-08:00Healing is Possible - A Thought for the New Year<span style="font-family: georgia;">In the depths of darkness, the kind of darkness that you can be cast into if you have a partner who tears you to pieces, it seems as though the light will never come again. But it is, truly, possible to scramble your way back to freedom and dignity, and to smile again. You can get there.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">The human heart has an almost unlimited ability to bounce back from spiritually destructive experiences. Some deep part of us, the soul you could call it, fights not just for life, but for a good life, and a just one.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">Your healing can begin even if the mistreatment hasn’t ended. Some important steps toward healing often happen for women while they are still mired in dealing with an abusive partner. In fact, if you get a little taste of feeling better, that can sometimes be the shift that gives you the strength to turn things around in the oppressive atmosphere that you are being forced to live in.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br />Certainly, you can heal faster if you can make the abuse stop, whether by calling on the police and the court system if they are helpful where you live, or involving your friends and relatives, or by threatening to leave the relationship (if you can do that safely), or by going through with ending the relationship (if you can do that safely).</span> <span style="font-family: georgia;">I will be writing soon about strategies for making abuse stop. But my message for today is that healing may be able to start right away, and doesn’t necessarily have to wait until the big problems are solved.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">Healing is stimulated by developing a kind and supportive relationship with yourself, and by developing similar relationships with other people. This is how you create the context in which deep recovery can happen, through myriad paths that we will be writing about here.</span> <span style="font-family: georgia;">Because you yourself are the closest and most accessible person to you, it makes sense to turn some attention now to ways that you can be a loving, thoughtful friend to yourself. I will write in the weeks ahead about various ways in which you can do this, but here is one way you might begin:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia; font-weight: bold;">Stop believing anything he tells you about who you are or what you are like. </span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br />And that means don’t believe him even if he’s telling you supposedly positive things about yourself – abusive men know how to use praise as a control tactic, just the way they use criticism. </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">I’m not saying you have to argue with him about the mean or manipulative things he says. I realize that often it’s better, for your own peace and safety, to be quiet, or even to pretend to agree with him, so that he’ll feel triumphant and leave you alone. But in the privacy of your own mind, where he can’t hear what you are saying, keep reminding yourself that he is distorting and twisting everything, and he is so very wrong in his view of who you are.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">You may be thinking, “But what about the criticisms he makes that I know are true?” Maybe your finances really are in a mess, or maybe you really have gained weight, or maybe your friends really have turned against you, and he’s throwing these things at you.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">But even if he’s right, he’s still wrong. Why?<br /><br />1) Because he’s exaggerating, even if there are partial truths to what he’s saying.<br /><br />2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault and shows what a weak person you are underneath, and that’s not true at all.<br /><br />3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or has even created them entirely.<br /><br />4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-style: italic;">A man who chronically mistreats you is not a good source of information about who you are</span> , including about your supposed weaknesses, or even your strengths. (Because even when he praises you, he’s doing that to try to mold you into who he wants you to be, rather than accurately reflecting back to you the person you really are – or he’s praising you to manipulate you emotionally.) His vision is too distorted, and too self-centered and self-serving, to have any useful clarity, at least when the subject is you. In short, it is impossible to abuse someone while also seeing them clearly.</span><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br />Listen to yourself, and to people who treat love you and treat you well. Don’t listen to him.</span>Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-50105022821101679282009-06-14T18:06:00.000-07:002009-06-19T07:47:15.975-07:00Heroic MomsSometimes heroes are treated as villains. That's what is happening now across the continent to mothers who attempt to protect their children from violent and abusive fathers. These protective mothers are attempting to do the right thing; To make their children's safety the top priority; to teach them that intimidation, violation, and degradation are wrong; and to stand up for their own rights as loving, responsible mothers.<br /><br />And they do so courageously. They are often dealing with men who have pounded them with their fists, or locked them in rooms, or raped them, or threatened to kill them. Yet these women are brave enough to take the risks involved in seeking freedom for themselves and their children.<br /><br />Even those protective mothers who have not faced severe physical intimidation need courage, because courthouses are scary places, and family law judges have tremendous power that is rarely curtailed by legislatures or appeals courts. The adversarial system used in courts is the worst possible atmosphere for a traumatized woman, but it is the perfect system for an abusive man; the qualities that most succeed here are aggressiveness, skillful dishonest, and strong self-confidence (or even arrogance), along with the ability and willingness to spend huge amounts of money in order to win. It is difficult for abused woman to defeat her ex-partner in a court system that is designed (though not intentionally) to play to his strengths.<br /><br />What's more, certain lawyers and court-appointed evaluators have developed theories to discredit protective mothers and their children when they report that they are being harmed by an abusive man. It has become the norm for children of battered women to be forced into extensive unsupervised contact with their battering fathers, or even to be sent into his custody.<br /><br />We all need to recognize, and admire, the bravery, the survival skills, and the deep concern for her children that an abused woman has to have in order to go up against the abuser in court, month after month and year after year. These women deserve our support, admiration, advocacy, and activism to help them keep their children safe, and to change the gender-biased and sometimes corrupt legal system that is abandoning them and their kids.Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7240705243908950796.post-88339914988049564102009-05-25T13:31:00.001-07:002009-06-17T10:32:40.400-07:00Disorder in the Courts: Mothers and Their Allies Take on the Family Court System<span class="noteBene">This introduction is adapted from a section that I wrote for </span><span class="color1">Disorder in the Courts: </span><span class="color2">Mothers and Their Allies Take on the Family Court System</span>, an e-book available from <a href="http://www.canowstore.org/store/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=CANOWSTORE&Product_Code=DITC&Category_Code=MVB0" target="_blank">California NOW</a>. <p>There is no love deeper, more complete, and more vulnerable than the love that caring parents feel for their children. There is a bond so strong that it can be hard to tell exactly where the parent ends and the child begins, and the line is even harder to draw when our children are very young. Mothers have an additional bond from having carried their children inside of their bodies and having given birth to them, and more than half of mothers have experienced a deepened attachment through breast-feeding their babies. And mothers are, in the great majority of cases, their children’s primary caretakers, especially during their early years. All connections between caring, non-abusive parents and their children are so important as to be almost sacred, but there is usually a particular quality to the mother-child bond. That life-giving and sustaining connection deserves the full support and admiration of communities and nations.</p> <p>And just as there is a special beauty and importance to relationships between mothers and their children, there is a special and extraordinary cruelty in the abusive man who attempts to break or weaken the mother-child bond, whether by turning children against their mother, by harming the children physically, sexually or psychologically, or by attempting to take custody of the children away from her.</p> <p>Children need protection from their abusive parents. In the realm of custody litigation which involves abuse, the abusive parent tends to be the father while the protective parent is usually the mother, because most perpetrators of domestic violence and of child sexual abuse are male. We don’t know that much about what happens to protective fathers, since their cases are much less common, but we know that protective mothers frequently encounter a system that is insensitive, ignorant about the dynamics of abuse, and biased against women. In this context, mothers sometimes find themselves being forbidden by the court from protecting their children from a violent, cruel, or sexually abusive father. And this outcome is a tragic one, for children and for their mothers.</p> <p>On behalf of the hundreds of people across the continent who are currently working for family court justice, I want to communicate to you our caring and solidarity with the challenging road you have ahead of you, as you fight to keep your children safe in body and soul. I want to let you know how critically important we believe that project to be, and how much your children need you to stand up for their rights and their well-being. You deserve admiration, not criticism, for the courageous risks you are taking on their behalf, and for your determination that all of you should have the opportunity to live in freedom and kindness.</p> <p>Our society is currently giving mothers a powerful and crazy-making mixed message. First, it says to mothers, “If your children’s father is violent or abusive to you or to your children, you should leave him in order to keep your children from being exposed to his behavior.” But then, if the mother does leave, the society many times appears to do an abrupt about-face, and say, “Now that you are spilt up from your abusive partner, you must expose your children to him. Only now you must send them alone with him, without you even being around anymore to keep an eye on whether they are okay.”</p>Lundy Bancrofthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18047691631730498583noreply@blogger.com3