Wednesday, February 26, 2014


            Verbal abuse is not sexy. Intimidation is not sexy. Public humiliation is not sexy. Ruining the day is not sexy. So why does he think that a short period of time – say a couple of hours -- after he’s been treating you terribly could somehow be a good time for sex? He really thinks that this is when you are going to be in the mood?
            Not exactly. The problem, as is so often true with abusive men, is that he isn’t thinking about you at all; he’s thinking only about himself. He wants sex to reassure himself that he hasn’t driven you away, and that he still has access to your body. He thinks that if he can get you to have sex, that also means he has erased from history the destructive acts he did earlier. And he wants to have sex because in some twisted way his ugly behavior made him feel close, even though it had the opposite effect on you.
            And because of the ways he’s been tearing you down, it gets hard for you to say no to sex that you don’t want; you can end up feeling like giving him what he wants is the only way to settle him down so that he doesn’t launch into more abuse, or even violence.
            He is the one whose reactions are unhealthy, not yours. The feelings you are going through are completely natural for a woman who has been demeaned and bullied. When he has sex with you following one of his incidents, that is a form of sexual abuse, even if you don’t – or can’t – fight him on it. Keep reminding yourself that the sickness is in him, not in you. Sex after abuse is just more abuse.


  1. Thank you for this article and your blog. This is exactly what happens in my situation. This had been happening for many years. Being a sexual abuser survivor from childhood probable dosent help, as I end up using spilling and other things to get through the ordeal. We had a bad weekend, I am still reeling from it, he wanted sex, he said it would bring us closer together again. Thank you for shedding light on his aspect of the abuse

  2. I am in the process of leaving him. I have a letting agent carrying out the credit checks for a flat as it type this and hopefully in two weeks time my son and I will be free of his twisted, manipulating, abusive ways.

    I have been planning all this in small step over several months with support from Women's Aid and a women's support group. Over the past few months his abuse has been worsening. He has become more and more demanding and projecting his abuse on to our son. He has started to demand of me to not give our son affection, telling me 'he needs to man up' and that I am creating a brat.

    I feel that perhaps he has sensed he is loosing control of me and so has tightened his grip. He has now decided that we should be having sex more often, twice at weekends and twice during the week. I told him once a week is fine for most couples. He spits his dummy out, saying manipulating statements like "having more sex will make me happier. Does sex make you happy? " which of course I must answer yes. "Well in that case, doing what I suggest will make me happier and you happier, I don't understand why you don't want us to be happy". He puts me in a position, where i have other response other than to agree with him. I just do it now just to shut him up. I hate how satisfied he is afterwards. Since i agreed to his demands, we haven't been having sex 4 times a week like he demanded, he just wanted me to agree with him. It had nothing to do with his sexual needs not being fulfilled, it was to do with his control over my body. Knowing that he still has access when he wants it.

    In the mornings, at the weekend, my son comes into our bedroom and we have lovely cuddling time. It's a time I really treasure. Our son doesn't really show any affection to my partners as he doesn't really show any to him. Recently he has become insanely jealous of our bond. We had the sex argument again. This time he said "we don't have any lone time together, that's why we never have sex" (every week he gets it can I remind you!) "So from now on at the weekends, when he comes through to our room, I'm going to put telly on downstairs for the boy, then we have more time together" I thought he was bluffing again, just wanted me to comply so I gave him sex there and then. However the next morning, our son came through, he shot out of bed, brought him down stairs and stuck the telly on. I couldn't believe what he had done. I didn't even get to say good morning. The worse thing was hearing him stomping back up the stairs, back to bed room. Getting what he 'deserved' what he is 'entitled' to. I felt sick. I had to do it because otherwise he'd have known I was bluffing. I didn't want to see the next thing he'd do! I am starting to feel dirty, like perhaps what a victim of sexual abuse would feel. I don't know how to say no, I know I have rights over my body. And I want to say no. How? What do I say when he stomps up the stairs and expects it.

    I have never been hit. He has never directly told me what I can and can't do, yet he has complete control over my life. He chooses when to make life difficult for me when he does not agree with something I want to do or say. He uses sarcasm to humiliate me and degrade me and if I object he is "just joking around and I need to stop being so sensitive".

  3. I prostituted myself that way too: sex for peace, sex to meet his demands, sex to make him happy, sex to pay him back for allowing any outing or personal interaction I had outside the home or even for being allowed to have a guest in the home. But my situation had a flip side too: I was "supposed" to know, intuitively, that I owed him sex in all those situations, and I was supposed to initiate it whenever he was feeling angry or dissatisfied or whenever he had "let" me do something enjoyable. I was supposed to read his mind and come offer sex to him when he wanted it, even without him verbally expressing anything at all. If I didn't, then I could expect to be kept up all night while he raged, slammed doors, huffed and puffed and growled while tossing and turning in bed to keep me from resting. Sometimes he would threaten me for neglecting him. However, if I did come to him to offer sex when, for some reason, he did NOT want it, then he would explode at me too, even throwing me to the ground for the timing as a total rejection.
    I was a receptacle, not a person.
    It finally broke me. We were totally celibate for a year before we separated. We've been living apart nine months now. I am slowing healing, but it was a long, long time of being under that kind of abuse (plus the emotional, financial--outrageous financial abuse, and spiritual abuse).
    I used to marvel at how beautiful and interesting and engaging the world was. I used to love being alive. The years under such persistent, sometimes blatant but when not subversive, implicit, subtle evil took something from me that I don't know if I'll ever get back. I feel now as if every beautiful thing masks a hidden evil, waiting to suddenly emerge and blindside me just as I stop to appreciate it.

  4. This makes sense. He doesn't show me non sexual affection unless he is making a future payment on the type of sex he wants. Is that sort of thing abuse? He denies that is what he does and gets mad if I draw that comparison.