You may
feel quite shaken up in your view of the human race. Any woman who suffers
serious mistreatment from a partner she had loved and trusted struggles with
feelings of betrayal. And betrayal can
knock you off your foundation at a core level, so that:
·
the world starts to feel like an unsafe
place.
·
everyone’s motives start to be suspect
·
you start to question your sense of what is
real
If your partner
were terrible all the time, it would actually be easier to deal with in many
ways; you would tell yourself, “Well, he turned out to be a jerk.” But when
someone you love goes back and forth between kindness and cruelty,
generosity and selfishness, tenderness and intimidation, loving you and
cheating on you, you can come to feel that it’s impossible to understand
people. Your feelings for the primary person in your life tend to carry over
into how you view everyone.
Your
partner may further feed the problem by encouraging you to think badly of
others. He may tell you that people are lying to you or taking advantage of
you; that your friends have hidden motives; that you are naïve in your dealings
with people; that “everyone is just out for themselves.” He’s talking about
himself, though he probably doesn’t know it.
And
yes, there are sharks out there. But the world is also full of so many
thoughtful, caring, honest individuals. Most people don’t use other people, or trick them, or threaten them. In fact,
most people are doing their best to live ethical lives and to be decent and
responsible for other people.
So
don’t let your partner (or ex-partner) distort your outlook on your species. Look for the good
in people, and notice their efforts to make human connection. Be smart, yes,
but don’t harden your heart. You will find many gems in the human race.
“I will stay open to
people and give them a chance. I’m keeping my heart alive.”
Thank you for this. I am not an abused woman but rather a family law attorney working with a certain number of abused women -- and their stories have shaken my worldview as well. It seems so many good people are content to do nothing.
ReplyDeleteThis comment is what is shaking my view of people more than the abuser himself. there was some famous man in history who said all evil needs is for good men to stand by and do nothing. like the commentator said... indeed many good people were content stand by and do nothing... Content to sell do business with him or social interactions the church shake his hand reflecting him nothing but a smile and why should you think he's doing anything wrong when good people don't shun him.
DeleteI am an abused women and i just finished your book "Why does he do that". Thank you for this book, and thank you for all help you provided there.
ReplyDeleteAnd your post is excactly how i felt for many months and I am still coping with that.
I read your book, "Why Does He Do That", and wanted to tell you, it brought clarity into my life. I always knew something wasn't right, but the back and forth, just as you describe in this post, that has been my life made it way too confusing to actually see reality. We cannot allow ourselves to be silenced any longer. Thank you for bringing this subject into the open.
ReplyDeleteWow! This post is spot on!! It is that emotional seesaw of being adored one minute and despised the next that shakes up the balance as you stated. It is so amazing and wonderful that God knew so many relationships were heading into this kind of abuse and would need answers. I believe He has led you, Mr. Bancroft, and others like you on this career path to be the instruments of education and encouragement that sets captives free. Thank-you for your diligence and hard work to make a difference in many lives. I am one who is soon to be free of the bondage because of your book and blog and I am forever grateful.
ReplyDeleteFor those who also have been following Lyndy's Blog about Ann M. Please keep her,and her daughter in your prayers.(and family) Very soon she has to go to court, her ex, the abuser has filed for total custody of their daughter. If Judge Hulsing grants him custody she (daughter) will be moved out of town to a place she has never known. Away from her family, school,friends and sports she has known and participated in for 16 years. In essence, she will be going with a stranger, who has never been to any of her sporting events, or in her life. The Michigan State grounds for involuntary termination of parental rights states: 1.Severe or chronic abuse or neglect. 2. Abuse or neglect of other children in the household. (The abuser pushed the brother down a flight of stairs.) 3. Abandonment. The abuser has gone for months at a time and not came to pick up the children for visitation. 4. Long-term mental illness or deficiency of the parent. 5. Long term alcohol or drug-induced incapacity of the parent. 6. Failure to support or maintain contact with the child. The abuser failed to maintain contact with children. 7. Involuntary termination of the rights of the parent to another child. 8.Another common ground for termination is a felony conviction of the parent for a crime of violence against the child or another family member, or a conviction for any felony when the term of incarceration is so long as to have a negative impact on the child, and the only available provision of care for the child is foster care. (I am including all of the laws for everyone to see, a few may not pertain to the abuser in this case). to read more on this subject go to: http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/define.pdf
ReplyDeleteMy abuser was never really nice to me which has made it a little easier to leave him but it has made me hate the world~! I didn't realize it till I read the blog!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking from my own personal experience, it can take a long time to get to this place of balance that you describe. While I don't see everyone as suspect anymore, now it's really that I don't know how to trust myself. I was cut off from my true "self" for such a long time, it's taking me years to figure out who I am. If I don't know myself, how can I trust myself?
ReplyDeleteFor those following the Ann M. case, please pray for her and her daughter. Ann M.is going to court tomorrow, the abuser is trying to get full custody of minor daughter. Ann does not have an Attorney, it will be a full trial for at least 3 hours.
ReplyDeleteMy abusive ex husband was a pillar of the community. When I told him I was leaving him, his very first move was to grab a rifle. He had a solid wall of community support behind him, including the local police force. After I left him, the police wouldn't protect me at all. There weren't many people around who were able to help me or were even willing to stand on my side. There weren't many, but there were enough to be forever thankful for: I believe I am alive today because of them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I needed to read this, as I've been struggling with this over the last several months. Hearing it from you means all the more.
ReplyDeleteEver since I left my abuser and learned how to set healthier boundaries with people, I've identified "friends" who have not been treating me very well. I've had to distance myself from certain people or end friendships altogether, which has been jarring. Not having any safe family members to turn to has only exacerbated things for me. I just might tape that quote to my mirror as a reminder.
I am nearly 4 years out from leaving my abuser and I still struggle with this. I find it very hard to trust men and am hyper sensitive to red flags. Luckily I have very supportive friends (who have been through similar situations) and family who can talk me down when I get too bad, but I do still struggle with it.
ReplyDeleteAny1 that can tell me how to prevent ann m. Case fromm happrnin to me. Ii see abuser stagiing email ettc. Now i see why...my atty pointed out ihave ptsd i dint read when i srigned over a year ago.. thanks fooru aanny hell oor iinfoo. Oregonn momm
ReplyDeleteAny1 that can tell me how to prevent ann m. Case fromm happrnin to me. Ii see abuser stagiing email ettc. Now i see why...my atty pointed out ihave ptsd i dint read when i srigned over a year ago.. thanks fooru aanny hell oor iinfoo. Oregonn momm
ReplyDeleteI'm not there yet. Due to the fact the way my fiance treats me I now think all men have a hidden agenda. I work with a couple guys who constantly ask me for my number, or who stairs at my ass and I immediately get on the defensive. One guy tried to talk to me the other day and I stopped him in his track and said to him, "let me stop you right there. I don't care to get to know you because all you men are the same. How do you spell dog, D.O.G. if it looks like a dog, act like a dog, baby it is a dog, so get the hell up out my face. All you guys want to do is hit it and quit, ya'll don't know shit about loving a woman or treating her like a queen so don't even try to sell me your bullshit cause I don't believe nothing you men have to say." I mean I am sure he's a nice guy, in his own right, but how would I know that. I thought I had a good guy, a nice guy and he turned out to be a wolf in sheep clothing, the devil walking around with a bright ass halo disguised as the angel gabriel, so I'm sorry if I no longer believe the crap that spews out of a man's mouth. This man has shattered my self esteem to the point where I never dressed up, my hair always looked a mess, now that I am starting to pamper myself and dress better he now tells his friends and family it's because of someone else, but hey I don't care, I'm trying to get my self esteem back.
ReplyDeleteI am looking for more information about ptsd in long term abuse. I thought that once I got out I'd be okay and I was for a while. However, a year out, things are worse not better. I get nightmares, thoughts I can't get out of my head, memories, doubts. Innocuous things trigger emotional memories, I can't focus. I feel more damaged and defective than I did in the marriage. At least then I could tell myself he was just being a jerk, but I find myself looking at my faults and failures and thinking he was right.
ReplyDeleteBecause the violence was the end result of what began as friendly conversations where he promised me that I should trust him and tell him what was on my mind (it was a trick) now, if an intimate partner tells me "tell me what you are feeling" or "You can't shut down on me like that." it triggers bad emotional memories and I completely shut off from the other person. My ex told me that no other man would want me if I left him and it's turning out to be true. Who could stand to be with a mess like me? I don't think I can trust a therapist with any of this because I know would be taking me as a patient for the money.
After a nasty custody battle in which I had to sign away all privacy rights to every medical record that ever existed on me, I don't trust that what is said in therapy will be private. I would like a book if someone can recommend one.
Anonymous it takes more than a year, so keep going. There's a lot of their projected poison to get out of your system, but you'll get there if you remember to value yourself and not take anything he ever said or did as being about you. It was all about him and his overwhelming sense of entitlement, need for power over others and self-justification. You aren't a mess, he's put you into a temporary state that IS NOT who you are. I promise you there are lovely, kind, REAL men out there, but there's nothing wrong with being careful. A good man will be okay with your caution. I wish you well.
ReplyDelete“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
ReplyDelete~ Gerard Way
It has been almost three years since I left my abusive ex and I definitely had my view of the world shaken. My ex and I had overlapping professional and personal circles. Most of his abuse was behind closed doors but not always. It has been difficult for me to come to terms with those people who witnessed abuse but have welcomed him with open arms after our divorce. I had to cut ties with everyone associated with him to start a path forward. It is difficult but in the end it will be worth it to finally cut all emotional ties to someone who hurt you so badly. Stay strong!
I am in a similar situation with personal and professional overlaps, which I have had to leave behind. The guy is married now, to a female friend who was a constant presence in his life when we were together but who I never met.... My abuse was also mostly in private but with occasional public humiliation and abuse. Nobody intervened, some even thought it amusing. He has continued to try and abuse me, casting me in a bad light, ruining my reputation, with others being willing and gleeful helpers. I have complained in various quarters only to suffer retaliation and further threats. My involvement with this man has left me with significant mental health issues, though with help from professionals I have learned how to function and adapt. I am getting to the point where I may need to dig deep and seek legal advice and redress.
ReplyDeleteIt has been over five years now since my divorce from my ex. I thought that all the abuse was over! But I am now faced with not one child, but two who now think that its ok to take there anger out on me. I recantly, have to have surgery on my left arm due to a asalt on me from my oldest son. Because he fealt I didnt have the right to answer the phone when his friend called on my phone. What do you do when your child has learned from the father. You cant leave your child. HELP!
ReplyDeleteWell I am an expert on the controlling abusive parent described above. He is my father and he has Never taken responsibility for his narcissism and misogyny nor the terror and control he inflicted on me. My mother was not innocent; she played the same games with me. She was just as abusive as he even if he was more violent. They both were but she took her violence out on me because I was his favorite obviously this means I was abused worse psychologicaly than my sisters. My mother had me to. Keep him and then viewed me as a threat when he became obsessed with me. My sisters allow him to be equally abusive as he was in the past. I do not I becsme enraged and expressed it towards him as deserved after I overcame my terror. I have no fear of him anymore. Heis toe pittied for being such a bitter empty angry old waste of life. As a result of my experiences I choose the conpany of the noblest of creatures that possess every quality my parental figures do not;I.e., loyalty, fidelity, intelligence, love and mental soundness. I speak of the exquisite canine and my heart is wide open and I trust dogs implicitly. They have Never failed or disappointed me. Thank GOODNESS for its greatest gift to humankind, the beloved and brilliant canine.
ReplyDelete