Today I
am going to describe a pattern that sometimes plays out with when a woman is
struggling with a partner who doesn’t treat her right. If it sounds familiar,
you’ll find it helpful to recognize it and not let it happen again. And if you
haven’t lived this one, you can think ahead about how to make sure you never
do.
It goes
like this: First, you find yourself mired in one of those periods when he is
just being rotten to you day after day, and you feel like you just can’t take
it anymore. You rant to some of your closest people about what a jerk he is,
and they are right behind you on it. You say you’re done with him, and they
cheer you on to give him the boot, helping you to plan how you’ll do it. You’re
all a team.
But
over a period of days or weeks you are feeling less and less sure. The thought
of ending your relationship starts to feel overwhelming, and the loss seems too
great. He senses that you are leaning toward the door – or you tell him
outright – and he improves his behavior some and promises to make bigger
changes. The upshot is that you are going to give it another try.
Now
comes the tricky part. You’ve been bonding with loved ones about how awful he
is, so how do you explain to them that you’re staying?
And
something else starts to happen, which is that the crisis of your relationship
almost coming apart makes you and your partner feel closer. He’s being sweet,
and you’re feeling a little resentful towards people around you for being so
negative about him. You tell yourself that they don’t really understand him, or
you for that matter; in fact, you feel like he’s the only person who really
gets you.
So now
you and he have become a secret society, a special team together against that
hostile, non-comprehending world out there. You have a deep connection with
each other that they just can’t grasp.
In
short, you have two reasons to keep them all away; you are a little ashamed in
front of them, but at the same time you are feeling that you and your partner
are a little bit above them.
But
what is really happening is that you are growing more traumatized and more
isolated. Your partner is drawing you into a traumatic bond, and
leading you away from your support system. Your secret society is not a healthy
place to be. It’s an illusion, and a destructive one.
Your people love you. Don’t cut them out.
Whatever you decide about how to handle your relationship, keep reaching back
toward the hands that are reaching out to you.
“I can’t ever let my
partner come between me and my people. I have to see this for what it is.”
