One of the common
contradictions that women hear goes like this:
“Well, it’s your
own fault because you let him get away with treating you like that. You have to
stand up to him.”
while other people say
“If you’re going
to get right up in his face and push his buttons like that, what do you expect?
You already knew how he’d react if you said that to him, because of what has
happened before, but you said it anyhow.”
So what’s the correct way to handle him? Should you stand
up to him or shouldn’t you?
The answer is that no one has any business telling you
what to do, because there are so many factors involved in the decision in each specific situation. You are the
expert on your partner. You know which issues you can (usually) get away with
challenging him about. And you know that there are others where he will punish
you if you stand up to him. Some days you will choose to hold your ground
despite the pain his retaliation will cost you; you’ll do that because the issue
that you’re arguing about means that much to you, or because you can’t take
being bullied anymore, or because your soul and dignity need to see you resist
his dictates from time to time.
Most people don’t understand how payback-oriented
controlling and abusive men are. They don’t understand what a high price you
may pay for calling him on how wrong his statements and actions are. How can
someone else know when it’s worth it to you and when it isn’t?
And as for people who are telling you not to challenge him, they too have no
idea what they are talking about. While it’s true that confronting him can cost
you a lot, failing to fight back eats away at your soul over time. These people
are saying, in effect, that you should consent to be oppressed because it will
make life look a little more peaceful, a little less overtly injurious, a
little less scary. It’s the same thing as saying to someone, “You should let
the invaders take your children one at a time, because otherwise they might
take them all at once.”
There are no simple solutions in dealing with a partner
who bullies you, and you deserve respect and understanding about that fact from
the people in your life.
